Thursday, April 8, 2010

She just can't help it

My sweet girl. She is going through something right now. Sort of a clingy phase. She gets really emotional over the smallest things. She is craving attention. My undivided attention. She will just collapse into my arms and sometimes just cry. It is so sweet and sort of pitiful all at the same time. And so not like my tough, independent, confident Jessa Lynn.

Last night at Ballet, I was getting ready to leave her in her classroom. Her teacher was there. Her classmates were there. And it is REALLY exciting for them right now as they are in serious recital prep mode. They have the floor taped off with their "marks" and everything. This is a professional operation, I tell you. So I hand her her shoes and find a spot for her bag. I bend down to give her a good-bye kiss, and I saw her big, beautiful brown eyes well up with tears. "Please don't leave me, Momma."
Ouch! All the moms in the world know this all too well. Your precious child looks up at you with that pleading look, with those sad little eyes. And you want to just melt. I know in my head that she will be fine once she gets into the class. As soon as she is doing her chassé across the floor, she will forget that I exist. But my heart. Well, my heart breaks, and I want to scoop her up, run home, crawl under the covers with her, and never leave the house again. Luckily, her teacher saw her falling apart (and my pained look), grabbed her hand, and asked her to help out with calling the roll. Tragedy averted.

Then Bay picked her up from ballet and brought her to Awana at church. The Cubbies, Spencer, and I always meet Jessa and the Sparks as we are leaving "games" and they are headed to "games." Last night, I knew it was not good when I say Bay with her group holding her in his arms with her sobbing. It again, broke my poor heart. She was devastated because it was her turn to carry the Sparks flag and because of ballet making her late every week, she missed it. Not that big of a deal, really. I mean they promised her another turn, but she was almost inconsolable! Bless her sweet, sensitive heart.

I am sure this is a phase. I have no idea what has prompted it, though. Maybe the fact that her Daddy is always on TDY? Maybe she thinks she needs to hold onto me so that I do not leave, too? Whatever the case, it really is hard on both of us! Yet, I must admit that I do treasure the holding and snuggling that is going on. She is growing so fast and sometimes when she is squealing with delight over how cute Justin Beiber is while applying her Lip Smackers that she pulled from her purse with her manicured nails, I want to back up to when she was smaller and unfazed by teen pop sensations and fingernail polish. So you can't blame a Momma for enjoying a little clinging when I am painfully aware that these days are numbered.

She is also "homesick" a lot. We can be out doing something fun and she comes to me with a quivery chin and says, "Momma, I am homesick!" Which means she wants to go home, like 10 minutes ago. I can't argue with her. I am sort of a homebody. There are days that I would rather stay at home, too!

But my favorite thing that this phase has brought with it is her "I can't help it" speech. It mostly happens at bedtime. See, she can't possibly be expected to go to her room and go to bed and go to sleep because "I can't help it, Momma, I just love you so much." Sometimes, the kid is working me. And I am not gonna lie, sometimes, I let her! How sweet is that, right? But the other night, she was out of control!

Jessa: Mom, I just can't help it, I love you so much. (while maintaining a death grip on my arm).
Me: Well, I know, Jessa, but I am not leaving the country, I am just going to be one door down.
Jessa: I know, but I just love you so much. And you are so beautiful. When I go to sleep, I am going to dream about just how beautiful you are.
Me: Aw, Jess, shucks, but you still have to stay in your bed and go to sleep.
Jessa: Oh, I know mom, but you really are just so beautiful, I can't help it.
Me: You are going to be so sorry in the morning when I am dragging you out of bed.
Jessa: Oh no, I won't. I promise. You can just peel my eyes open and I will see how beautiful you are and I will be happy to wake up.
Me: Jessa! You are the grouchiest girl ever in the mornings!
Jessa: Not tomorrow mommy, I can't help it, I just love you so much.
Jessa: You really are beautiful.
Me: OK, I'll stay a few more minutes.

I can be tough when I force her on the bus or make her stay at ballet, but I think it is OK for me to indulge her a few extra minutes at bedtime, right? I mean, she can't help it, I am just so beautiful, right??

1 comment:

kate said...

You are just so beautiful! And I laughed so hard at that conversation that I read it out loud to Kevin so he could laugh too (and he did.) :)