Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hey, Jealousy

No, I am not referring to a catchy ditty by the Gin Blossoms. I am referring to my husband. Go with me on this. I am going to establish a few foundational facts before I tell you how I came to this conclusion.

1. David is a bells and whistles kind of guy. He wants to newest, the best, the coolest. It is just his way. He always cannot wait to get the new Windows or a new iPod. Tech companies LOVE him.

2. We are Direct TV customers. It started in Louisiana. We were so far out in the sticks that we could not get cable. So we went with Direct TV. And we fell in love! We are very happy to be satellite customers now. AND it makes moving so much easier. Before we had to start over with a new cable company every time we moved. Now, we just transfer our service. Easy Peasy.
3. David loves to shower me with Pre-Deployment gifts. Before two separate deployments, he has gotten me 2 new vans. Yep. That is how he rolls. He loves to spoil me before he is forced to leave for extended periods of time. Before one deployment, he also got me my TiVo. I had always wanted one, and it was such a great gift. It was even the perfect gift because with him gone, I was a single parent for more than a year. My new TiVo was the only way I ever got to watch anything.

4. David, being the bells and whistles guy, thinks that HD TV is the coolest thing ever. EVER. I personally could care less. If I stare at the screen for a long time and compare it to another TV, I guess I can tell the difference. But it does not matter. Can I see what is going on? Yes. Can I hear what is going on? Yes. OK. I'm good. Do I need to see the individual blades of grass on the greens at Augusta National while watching the Masters? NO. But David. He needs this. He craves this. This HD thing is SUPER important to David.

5. Three of our four TVs are HD TVs.

6. We have HD boxes from Direct Tv.

7. My precious TiVo IS NOT HD.

8. Until recently, TiVo did not offer an HD machine that was compatible with Direct TV.

Now on to my story.
OK, people. I love my shows. I love keeping up with my TV friends like Rachel and Phoebe and Monica and Jeff Probst and Dr. Jack Shepherd and Bree and Lynnette and Susan. Good friends. And I almost never get to hang out with them when they actually come on. I set the Tivo about once a week, and I am covered. I love it. On my own schedule, Sheldon and Leonard are ready to make me laugh. And my TiVo loves me, too. He searches through hundreds of programs and says, "Hey, Dana, sorry to bother you, but I thought you might like this." Or, "Hey, dear Dana, want me to replay some of Lorelai and Rory's antics for you?" Isn't that thoughtful? There was once a Sex and the City about this very thing. Miranda was in love with her TiVo. So I am not the only one! (I am aware of the irony in pointing out that I am not alone in my TiVo obsession using a character from a TV show.)

And I love my remote. It makes that cool "bloop bloop" sound all the time. I love that sound! And I always catch up on my shows each night before bed. It is usually in the dark, so I have memorized the buttons. I can do everything with my remote even with my eyes closed. That is love. We are close. Tight.

Um, so my bells and whistles husband, informs me that the Direct TV compatible TiVo will be out soon. It went like this:
The new HD TiVo that will work with our Direct TV is coming out soon.
But I don't want a new TiVo.
It is better. It records in HD.
I don't care about HD.
It will be so great to be able to watch TiVoed shows in HD.
No it won't.
Oh, and D, there is this cool new remote.
What? A new remote?
Yeah, it is so fancy, it even has a keyboard that folds out for when you are searching for a show to record.
NO! No new remote. I like bloop, blooping through the alphabet.
Doesn't this all sound great?
No it most certainly does not sound great.
I cannot wait until we can buy this new Direct Tv TiVo. What?! Just like that! After years of faithful service, and after hours and hours of perfectly recorded programs, we are just going to get another one. Toss TiVo out the window? Put him out to pasture? Just like that?! Are you kidding? Will you trade me in for a new model, too? When will this obsession end? Why!? WHY?
D, are you OK? Why are you plugging your ears and rocking back and forth? Is being in the fetal position at your age even comfoetable?
And I think the new remote is the most crushing blow. I mean, my remote is so used, so loved that most of the buttons have the stuff worn off of them.

So I have come to the conclusion that my bells and whistles husband is just jealous. He cannot understand the relationship that we share. He is green with envy. He wants desperately to break us up. To separate us. I should have known when he started making fun of me for hand carrying the TiVo. I let the movers pack all the other electronic equipment, but I always keep TiVo with me. Every move. TiVo is with me. He feels threatened.

I mean, just look at TiVo, he is precious, no?

So now my bells and whistles and green with envy husband is trying to separate us, you know, eliminate the competition.

I haven't been able to break the news to TiVo. I am just hoping that if I convince the old to start recording some "How it's Made" or "Man Vs. Wild" or "Deadliest Catch" or something more manly than Ghost Whisperer or Desperate Housewives that might appease him. Soften him. Win him over.
If you'll excuse me, I am going to bloop bloop the thumbs up button on every show on TLC and Discovery.

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